My husband and I are expecting our first child this yearlucky cola, and our parents will become first-time grandparents. As much as I love my mother-in-law, she can be controlling — even from 500 miles away. Recently, she told us that she wants to visit us monthly until the baby arrives and to stay with us for two weeks after the baby is born. Later, I heard that she told my husband and others that she wants to be in the delivery room! I know that this is all coming from a good place, but it feels overwhelming. I would prefer less frequent visits. My husband and I work full time, and our weekends are packed with baby planning. After the baby is born, we want time alone to bond as a new family. How can I politely set boundaries with my mother-in-law?

WIFE

Be careful not to become your mother-in-law. In my experience, so-called controlling people are sometimes shoved into that position. Consider your husband, for instance: He seems to be mostly absent from your strategizing. Is that because you are trying to control the relationship with his mother or because you can’t count on him to step up and speak to her himself? If he hasn’t spoken to her yet, why hasn’t he?

Don’t get me wrong: Your mother-in-law sounds like a challenging figure, and her plans for the coming months seem daunting. Still, it is not your job to shoulder all the emotional labor in your marriage. Too often, that interpersonal work falls to women. So I am going to suggest that your husband communicate your joint decisions about visits with his family.

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What’s more, his decades of experience with his mother presumably make him better qualified than you to express your family’s needs to her. If he wants help, I’m here for him! (I bet you are, too.) I expect your whole family is feeling exuberant about the birth of your child — which is all the more reason for you and your husband to share the load of discussing your desires and boundaries with them.

Over 12 years, my husband and I have become friends with his personal trainer. We have entertained him and his partner, a retired makeup artist, frequently. Recently, we asked his partner to do a makeup session for my daughter and a couple of our friends. He did and took some photos. (I served an elaborate lunch.) Unfortunately, one of my friends was unable to attend. So I emailed him to arrange another session for her. He asked if he should provide his services for free again or if he could charge his discounted rate. I told him I didn’t expect anything for free. So he sent me a bill for the second session, which I paid. Was I wrong to expect that it would be free?

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